


And I'll Never Love Again

by nerdsandwords



Series: Love Again [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Azkaban, Best Friends, Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First War with Voldemort, Harry Potter - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Life Partners, Marauders, Post-Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Werewolves, Wizarding Wars (Harry Potter), but the idea is there, comfort to come, i never know what to tag, if i do a second part, jily, smut to come, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27999033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdsandwords/pseuds/nerdsandwords
Summary: Days leading up to one of the worst day of Remus life. This does get rather dark but I promise to make up for it if I do a part two which will lead up to PoA time frame.Also based on this tiktok https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJQDEYJm/
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Jily - Relationship, Marauders & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship
Series: Love Again [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2050695
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	And I'll Never Love Again

October 29, 1981 - Thursday 

The full moon was just two days ago, Remus was a lot better by now but he couldn’t hide being tired, part of it from the missions themselves but the moon played a decent part. It was no surprise that he heard Sirius downstairs and after a few minutes Remus brought himself to his feet, grabbing a Harpies sweatshirt and pulling it over his head and stepping into a pair of sweatpants before he wrapped his arms around himself and headed down the stairs. He watched the back of Sirius' head as he cooked, a messy black bun held up by his wand, ink black stray hairs falling over the nape of his neck and shell of his ears, effortlessly beautiful. Remus quietly came up behind him, wrapping his arms around Sirius middle and nuzzling into his neck. Things were rough, the war was rough and they were losing - there was no other way about it. Last night was good though, one of their better nights and Sirius leaning into him let him know he felt the same. They clung to these moments, they had to. It was really all they had till Remus or Sirius was sent on another mission or the worse of it - he and Sirius got into another fight over the missions. Remus was sworn to Dumbledore to keep what he was up to a secret and yet he still told what he could to Sirius but it was never enough to ease worries and questions. Remus was sure that if Sirius knew what Dumbledore was having him do he would really be pushed over the edge, having him make nice with other werewolves and try to gain trust with Greyback himself. Remus would often ask James to come over once he left, knowing that would brighten his mood and at least he could vent to James but they also had their own family and jobs so he stopped asking the second Harry was born. 

He was hungry but this felt better than any meal so he stayed there for a few moments before kissing the side of his neck and then making them both a cup of tea, “Have you been up for a while?” Sirius shook his head but glanced at the paper on the table and Remus' heart sank as he picked it up and read through it. More deaths. Muggles, wizards, witches. A few familiar names and Remus ran a hand through his hair and let up a sigh, “I don’t know what - fucking hell, I don’t know what else we can do.” A pleading look at Sirius, who gave his shoulder a squeeze and didn’t have an answer. It was rare for Sirius to not have something to say but there was no answer to his statement, they were doing all they could and that had to be enough, eventually there had to be a breakthrough. Remus was losing hope on that, the more names that came through the paper but he wouldn’t voice it. It seemed each day Sirius became more and more fragile and the tiniest bit of doubt would start a war in their own home. 

Sirius made Remus a full plate and then sat down with his own plate of food. Sirius picked at his, a bite or two of toast, a scoop of egg on his fork and his tea. Even if he didn’t feel hungry in that sense - the wolf in him wouldn’t let him pass up a meal so they ate in silence until Remus was done. He picked up their dishes and washed them, it was a sort of routine, Remus liked to cook and clean most of the time but usually after a full moon Sirius picked up the cooking part and cleaning kept Remus calm. The air was heavy, he knew Sirius was going to say something and he just had to wait for him to either sort his thoughts or blurt it out. 

“Do you have to leave soon?” His voice was soft, Sirius had doubts and questions about where Remus was going and maybe part of it was just because Sirius wasn’t being used like that, Sirius did some guard duty, pick ups and drop offs - he wasn’t on some secret mission, he wasn’t getting orders from Dumbledore directly. They were still young compared to all the rest in the order but Remus was one of the only werewolves - at least the longest turned werewolf. It was terrifying times and that's what Remus put his lovers' doubt to, he was scared and had every right to be and they both ignited each other quickly but at the end of it all, they loved each other, right? Nothing could break that up. 

“Not that I’m aware of… we have the halloween party tomorrow night at James, that’s still going on, right?” Remus was looking forward to a night with them, he had seen James in passing a few times but it’s been a few weeks since he had seen Harry and Lily. Sirius perked up a bit at the answer, his eyes didn’t give that sparkle they once had, still a pretty grey but the war had sucked a lot of life, joy, trust - out of people and Remus hated that Sirius was one of those. 

“I got us costumes!” He pushed up off the table and ran up the stairs, Remus closed his eyes tight not sure what to expect but he sure as hell wasn’t going to say no, this year, maybe next year he’d try and play it safe or he’d pick the costumes. It was just a small party with the Potters, Peter and them. James, Lily and Harry were hidden deep under charms and any kind of magic Moody could come up with, it was a bit risky going but no one was against the three of them visiting for the night so the party was still on and Merlin, they could use a night off. 

“Oh god…” the red hood is all he needed to see, then the rest of it came into view and there was a furry hood in his other hand and - of course, a tail. Sirius had that bright grin, the perfect curve of a smile that made anyone take a second look when he put that genine look to use, “You’re lucky I love you and that it’s just James, Lily and Peter. Thank Merlin we can’t scar Harry this young.” He laughed and closed the distance of them, kissing Sirius as his arms draped over his shoulders with the costumes in hand. Sirius mumbled against his lips and Remus pulled away but he was already leading him back up the stairs, “Don't worry, I’m wearing those leather muggle jeans you got me under it…” a smirk on his lips as they stumbled up a few more stairs, “But I can take them off when we get home.” He pulled him back into a kiss, both laughing into it, teeth clinking a bit till Sirius bit into Remus lip and the laughter was gone. They still had a healthy appetite for an escape and that bliss that they found in the mix of sheets and a duvet or the living room floor, or the kitchen counter… Even if the fights were bad and terrible things were said - they could put it aside for some selfish gratification. 

Having their own place was everything they dreamed of, well, if the war wasn’t driving a wedge between them every other day then it would really be the dream. Behind closed doors they didn’t have to pretend or hide. They didn’t have to be quiet or put up silencing spells. They didn’t have to get dressed if they didn’t want to. When it was good, it was perfect. They had only been out of bed a few hours and they were tangled back in it, grunts and groan spilled from their mouths. Their names spoke in ecstasy from the other. Loud moans and panting cut off in the moment of seeing moons and stars, Sirius spilling over himself as Remus finished deep inside him, both catching their breath as Remus dipped down just enough to lick some of Sirius cum from his chest and then kissed him again. Slow and passionate in comparison to a few nights right before the moon, before the aches set in. “I am lucky you love me.” Sirius' voice came out quiet again and Remus knew there was more on his mind, he kissed him instead of pressing for more though. 

They cleaned up, magic could have been the easy solution but they threw their things in the wash and stepped in the shower together. With Remus not able to say much and keeping his word to Dumbledore, Peter was the one giving Sirius the few bits and pieces extra, he was just as deep in the Order but he always had something different to say and that should of been the first sign but Sirius was reaching for information on where and what Remus was doing and he was eating up every bread crumb he was given, not paying much attention to the path it was on. Right now though, the war was outside - outside these walls and this small bathroom. He wrapped his arms around Remus and it was enough to have him stumble back a step but catch himself on the shower wall with a huff, he didn’t hesitate wrapping his arms around Sirius when he got his footing though. “I know…” is all he said. 

There was a lot said in that hug. Apologies, uncertainty, questions with no answers, fear, love. All Remus could say was ‘I know.’ Because it was too much for him to put into words and Sirius had tried many times to do it but even for someone who said so much - he couldn’t manage this alone either. They cleaned up, taking their time in the shower and the topic of music came up, so the argument of which outfit was Bowie wearing the last time they saw him on the tv. It ended in laughs and Remus putting way too much shampoo on Sirius delicate locks. “This is going to take ages!! Moooony!! If I get dandruff because of you… I swear to Merlin…” he grumbled as Remus excused himself once he was clean, “Aw, should we just take you to the dog wash next time?” He let up a soft laugh as he went into their bedroom connected, still able to hear Sirius, “Just you wait. Muggle tricks I tell ya, the worst kind.” Remus just let up another laugh as he got dressed, he did have the muggle advantage on Sirius and always had even though Remus had taught him a lot since leaving Hogwarts, it would take a lifetime for him to get it all and Remus didn’t want anything less. 

***

October 30, 1981 - Friday 

It was late in the afternoon, Remus was still walking on eggshells but at least they didn’t have a reason to fight yet. It was exhausting and he missed the way things used to be but after the war was the thought that kept him going and made this all worth it. A time where Sirius would fill silence with odd thoughts and commentary instead of sideways looks and paranoia. They only got so much time together and away from The Order - it was unfortunate it wasn’t all spent wrapped up in each other until they were pried apart again. That's what war was though. A depleting and exhausting kind of violence that would leave their world shaken and forever changed. Remus was just glad he had those close to him to turn to if he needed, not that he ever leaned on anyone - already too much of a burden but their presence alone made a world of difference in his life. Remus was hard on himself and to put it bluntly he hated himself in a lot of ways. Meeting James, Sirius and Peter made him feel accepted - he was accepted with them and they all looked after each other since year one, it’s what Remus needed without even knowing and he couldn’t imagine a life where he didn’t have James being a protective git, Sirius being reckless and wild, Peter worrying enough for all of them and Lily being the most kind soul he’s ever met. He needed them and he just hoped they knew how much they meant to him in all this.

Remus was in a dark brown long sleeve shirt, dark fitted jeans and a simple pair of sneakers that were worn in. He did have the wolf like hood on as he sat on the couch downstairs and waited for Sirius. The tail was across his lap under a book he was reading. Remus was never one to spend a whole lot of time getting ready, time in front of a mirror never suited him well so he avoided it as much as possible. Sirius really didn’t even have to try to turn heads but he spent some time getting ready every morning and for a party - he was bound to take a bit more than usual. He stepped onto the bottom floor in skin tight leather jeans and a black long sleeve, black boots with a silky red hood and a cape that went to his thighs. He smudged some eyeliner on and it made every feature pop, Remus was staring, the defined cheekbones and jaw, the perfect smile because he knew exactly what he was doing and there was a bit of that sparkle in his eyes. Remus was undoubtedly in love with the man that stood before him, it went much deeper than looks when it came to Sirius but right now he could drool over the masterpiece in front of him. 

“Save that outfit, yeah.” A soft laugh came up as he finally tore his gaze away and closed his book, he got up just enough to grab Sirius' wrist and pull him into his lap, a breathy chuckle when he settled with straddling Remus thighs. 

Remus gingerly pushed the hood off Siris jet black hair, hands coming around the side of his face, one settling at the side of his neck and the other hooking the side of his finger under his jaw. Warm amber eyes met fierce blue ones. Sirius let his hands rest on Remus shoulders but he couldn’t hold the stare, it was a sign something was wrong but they were about to go to a party - granted it was friends that were practically family but Remus didn’t want to sour the mood, “I love you.” Is what he whispered in the quaint bubble they created, once Remus said it he realized those three words were rarely spoken by himself first and that they hadn’t said them in the last month it felt like, not genuinely, not like this. He had a longing to hear it back, never thinking he would be accepted enough for something like love, a love like this - it meant a lot every single time Sirius let those words fall from his lips but he didn’t say them this time. He leaned in and kissed Remus softly before apperating them to the Potters. That should have been another sign. 

That hurt, he wasn’t going to say it just yet, he’d think about it and how to approach it and the why. Overthinking wasn’t anything new in his life, what he let his mind unravel on was different compared to Hogwarts days but all the same - his thoughts tended to go a little haywire and he kept it silent until he could solve the problem himself or something made him snap. Being a werewolf was enough of a stigma, he was dangerous and he knew that no matter what that was always going to be his label and knowing what kind of monster lurked inside him - he did everything he could do to be less of a problem, to not be dangerous and a threat. Being quiet and into his work, whatever his work consisted of, it gave him that out and maybe that's what Dumbledore saw and trusted in him. His life was nothing in comparison to James, Peter and Sirius - They were his friends, his family and they definitely got a first row seat to see the monster he was but they would never truly understand it unless they lived it and Remus wouldn’t wish lycanthropy on any enemy. He would lay down his life in a second if it meant his family got safety and freedom - if it meant not another werewolf was created… 

Moody was outfront, sending two questions out at each of them before he undid the charms over the Potters house and let them in. Sirius must have received the location last minute, that's what the plan was - send a quick message and meet here, once they were all here they would travel to their actual safe house and breathe. Peter was already there, his smile wasn’t really in it when he saw them but Remus just figured it was because they weren’t in the most protected area. Still, Remus closed the distance and gave a soft clap to his shoulder, “Don’t worry Pete, no ones going to know where we are. Bloody hell, we won’t even know where we are.” He let out a soft laugh but it didn’t seem to calm the nerves, before anything else could be said though James and Lily arrived with Harry tucked close to Lilys chest. It seemed whatever energy was there vanished at that and Remus let a soft genuine smile creep up as Sirius quickly came in to sweep up his godson and Lily wrapped her arms around Remus' middle. He let up a huff of air but hugged her right back, “Good to see you too.” He hummed into her slightly wild hair.

Lily and James were dressed like pirates, everyone went with simple costumes and Peter didn’t wear one at all, James exploded with a laugh when he caught sight on Remus and Sirius but it was good to hear a genuine laugh like that, so much so Remus couldn’t care less about what he was wearing. Everyone seemed to laugh at it and have something to say once the hugs and hellos were given. Remus just wrapped an arm around Sirius waist for a second, the smiles lingered and he felt more at home right here and now than he did at their actual home but he pushed that thought aside just as much and focused on this, these people, their tired faces that seemed to have put the war behind them for the night as well. 

“We’ll take you one at a time, dinner is ready but don’t touch it till we’re all there..” Lily pointed a look at all of them, even James. She grabbed Remus' arm first and James grabbed Sirius, they let Peter entertain Harry who was enthralled with the green glow when the others apparated. Remus didn’t really care about the location, he wasn’t going to try and figure it out, Lily and James both popped back to get Harry and Peter and within seconds they were all together again, in one of the most protected and secretive safe houses. It smelt strong of magic, so much so that for Remus senses it was almost impossible to smell the meal Lily had cooked but once he made it to the kitchen he could focus more and his stomach was pleased with the change. 

“Now, we’ve only got a few hours so lets make them count…” Lily’s voice softened and Remus could see how desperately she needed the break but James still had the focused look of work in his eyes. They would never really get a break till the war was over. Remus was left in the dark about a lot that concerned his friends and even Sirius, they were in the dark about what he was doing but he trusted them - he didn’t ask why the Potters needed this safety measure but whatever the reason he felt good knowing they were being looked after like this. He worried, everyone worried though. He didn’t know where Sirius was going but he was usually with James and that made him feel a lot better, unfortunately he couldn’t offer that same peace to Sirius and it killed him, he felt trapped at times between The Order and Sirius, the war needed to be fought through and they could figure themselves out once it was over. He told himself that daily, it was wearing now but he still had to hold onto it if he wanted to hold onto Sirius. 

Dinner went on, James and Sirius reminiscing and Remus catching up with Lily as she held Harry in her lap, Peter chimed in with the others' conversation here and there but really this all felt like old times. Lily offered Harry to Remus and he eyed her carefully but she insisted and Remus took him in his lap. He never saw a family fit into his future, terrified if the lycanthropy got passed down but Remus was still a monster deep down and he feared it in everyday activities and with new people. It's why his circle never branched out much from the marauders. Harry was a smiley and drooling little thing but he brought joy, so much joy. He felt Sirius eyes on him but James caught his attention back as Remus took Harry into the living room where a few of his toys were laid out. He didn’t know it but Peter and Sirius shared a look when Remus moved into the other room. Lily followed but it wasn’t for the same reasons the looks were given, she brought a small cloth for Harry and his drool but Remus sat him down and started stacking a few blocks with him, talking to him about his day and he got a bit of gibberish back with a few words thrown in that didn’t make a whole lot of sense but Remus took it and continued asking him how his halloween was. 

“You’re good with him.” She smiled softly, she looked tired but there was color to her cheeks and he could tell her heart was full despite the losses they had all gone through. Not even time to mourn or hold funerals until the war was over. “Do you ever think - adoption is always an option?” 

Remus let up a laugh and shook his head, “No, no - I’ll enjoy being an uncle and do you really think someone is going to look at Sirius and I and hand over a baby?” He arched an eyebrow at her but his focus went back to Harry who was smashing a block on top of the other. 

Their relationship still had to be hidden in front of anyone else but the few here, in the wizarding world and muggle - it was something they learned early on and maybe one day they would be accepted but today wasn’t that day. Lily gave him an apologetic smile and he reached over and patted her calf as if to say it was fine. Maybe once this war was won they could fight that one but there was no reason to put more on their plate.

“How are you two holding up?” She glanced over at the kitchen table that was almost at argument level about quidditch, it brought a soft smile to her lips seeing James get worked up over something he loved, smile still on all their faces and it felt like it had been too long since seeing that. 

Remus looked over at them too, Sirius' smile didn’t reach his eyes at home anymore but it was there now. He had that passion again, that fight in him, even if it was over a silly argument of quidditch - it was there. Maybe Remus was losing him and he couldn’t pinpoint when it started but his chest suddenly felt tight and Lily didn’t need much of an answer after she looked at him. He blinked away the sudden work up of emotions, the fear and heartbreak. “We’re fine.” She shook his head and watched Harry, stacking blocks with him.

“You’re a terrible liar, Remus.” Her smile was soft and warm, it was truly a mothers look but Remus had to brush it off because he couldn’t risk having a breakdown here. Or at all for that matter. This was one night off, one night with family and one night they wouldn’t get back. 

Lily was respectful and dropped it but he knew it wasn’t forever, she would let Remus sulk alone as always and then come to her and slowly but surely talk. It was never an easy feat for Remus to open up but Lily made it easier. She was calm and understanding, she never for a moment passed judgment on him or made him feel less of a person because of his lycanthropy and when she found out he was in love with Sirius. She supported him through it all and he supported her and her coming to terms that she did, in fact, love James Potter. Revelations neither of them would have survived without the other. She pushed up off the ground and gave Remus shoulder a squeeze before going and making a cup of tea for everyone. 

The night went on, Harry was passed around to each of them until he started crying and reaching for James. It was a sweet moment to watch their childhood friend take on his dad duties and put Harry to bed, everyone quieted down as James took him and in just a few seconds the cries went to a soft hiccup of air and then James was taking him upstairs for the rest of the evening. They all waved their goodbyes and Sirius got up to go with James - he didn’t get enough time with his godson and he felt like he was missing out on a lot of things, no one minded Sirius butting in on putting Harry to bed and Remus could hear his voice as they went up the stairs go on about ‘When this is all over…’ 

That's what every plan was though, when the war was over… What if they were sixty when the war was over though. Remus wasn’t sure he would live that long anyways but he missed out on a lot of things because of his condition and he wanted more for their life after Hogwarts but life seemed to have a funny way of keeping Remus humbled as Dumbledore would put it. He was the furthest thing from a proud man and that did have a lot to do with his life and every struggle that came his way, the recurring one that came every month.. His suffering kept him down and he didn’t know it right now but it’s exactly what Albus used to keep Remus as a pawn. 

Peter was always anxious but with Sirius and James gone it seemed more so and it was never really like that when they were younger, Remus more often than not had Peters back with Sirius got short with him or when James didn’t include him in a plan. He was a marauder and he and Remus were the background noise compared to James and Sirius. He thought that sort of brought them closer, and it did. “You okay? All things considered but - you seem anxious Pete..” More than usual but he didn’t like to point out other people's insecurities, he had plenty of his own. 

He jumped a bit at the question being directed to him and he nodded quickly, “Fine, f-fine. Long night is all and I'm not looking forward to apperating late.” He barely looked at Remus, glancing at his knees instead and then to the stairs, hands rubbing down his thighs and Remus thought best to leave it at that and nod. 

It was awkward silence between them, it was the first time Remus had experienced it with one of his best friends and it put him on edge a bit, chewing on the inside of his lip for a few seconds before he excused himself to help Lily clean up the kitchen. Just a few minutes later conversation returned in the living room, quieter now but Sirius and James were back and Remus couldn’t help but feel something over that. Maybe he was never truly a marauder, he just had the better plans to carry out pranks so they kept him around, it would be similar as to why Albus kept him close. He could spend the night questioning it all and what it meant about him and Sirius - there was that gut dropping feeling again and he let a dish slip from his grip as he got lost in thought. The crash was startling to everyone and there was a few seconds of silence to see if it woke Harry. Lily was smiling at the nothingness that came and Remus was about to apologize when Sirius came in with the rest tailing. 

“What did you do!” He snapped at Remus, coming around to see the damage, there was relief when he saw it was just a dish but it didn’t make up for the accusing tone and question that so easily slipped, that had James giving the back of Sirius head a confused look and had Lily ready to pounce. 

“Just dropped a dish…” His voice was even, Remus glare was clear and was focused on tired grey eyes as if not to lose it here, if they were going to fight it could wait. “No, Lily, I got it…” His expression softened as he bent down and pushed her hand away and she let him. 

“Well you could have woken up Harry! You’re lucky we didn’t come in here wands raised…” He wanted to fight, he wanted to push and Remus was never sure if it was to push Remus away or feel something himself, “Your leviosa is a little weak or something, eh, Moony?” 

James put a hand on Sirius' shoulder to try and pull him back but he shrugged it off, Lily gave another warning look but it didn’t phase Sirius right now and Peter was behind James, panicking enough that Remus could smell it. “Oi, leave Remus alone, Pads. What are you on about? It’s just a plate.” James tried to pull him back again but he took a step closer to The counter Remus was behind. 

Remus muttered a spell, Sirius heard the words and pulled his wand out quickly and pointed it at him. It was just something to collect the broken pieces but ‘stupify’ came from Sirius lips and it caused a second shatter of the already broken pieces as Remus jumped out of the way and got to his feet to close the distance, “Are you bloody mad!” He ripped the wand from Sirius' grip and threw it on the ground, “What has gotten into you!” Shoving him back hard enough he hit the wall.

James was quick to get between them, Lily at Remus' side and holding onto his forearm, “What the hell Sirius!” She was trying to keep her voice even but there was a fear in her eyes, not that she was afraid for her own life but for what this meant for Remus and Sirius. James had Sirius' shoulders pinned, he wasn’t fighting it though. They were doing that thing where they were having a word with just eye contact. 

“I don’t know! I don’t know, okay!” He finally pushed back against James hands and he let him so he wasn’t pinned anymore, Remus wasn’t sure what he was referring to but he stormed out of the kitchen and Remus wasn’t going to allow that. 

“You just tried to knock me out, Sirius! You don’t get to just walk away from that! What in the world did you think I was doing? Going to fucking hex Lily?!” Emotions were running raw and exhaustion was leaving little to no filter, “You’re not happy with me anymore then man up and say it! You’re not the only one running on fumes from this war and i’m done walking on eggshells around you in our own home! Like one wrong move and now - now what? You’re going to send a curse flying my way next?” He was coming in closer to Sirius, the hurt was clear on his face and he was doing his best to hold back from crying but his eyes welled up regardless. This was months of things getting worse and worse. Able to ignore it when it was just once a month, if that but it had grown into every few days and Remus wasn’t even home for more than a week at a time in the last month or two. 

Sirius opened his mouth and then closed it, he didn’t say no and his expression was easy enough for Remus to read that he didn’t know what he would do next. Sirius was always the more impulsive one, after the prank that almost cost Severus his life and almost cost Sirius any kind of friendship or relationship with Sirius - he grew up a bit but now it seemed like they were back to fifth year Sirius and he was ticking down to really losing it. James had his arms wrapped around Lily, part to keep her there and not interfere and the other part to comfort her as their family felt like it was breaking into pieces before their eyes. Harry started crying this time and Sirius glanced at the stairs; the break of eye contact was enough for Remus to take the hint. 

James was encouraging Lily to go take care of Harry, a brief look between them as if they were both apologizing but Lily still managed to make him feel like things were going to be okay even in that quick glance. “Happy Halloween…” Remus' voice sounded a bit raw from emotions and yelling, he looked at James who looked like he had been punched in the gut as well, he gave him a soft look, and James nodded in return and then he apperated home. 

His home had gone from being a person to being an actual place now. It was quiet and he had a feeling Sirius wasn’t coming home that night so he forced himself to get used to it for the night. The silence was worse than the fighting and he changed into pajama bottoms and a shirt before making his way to the couch, he knew he wasn’t going to sleep much tonight but in the empty bed it would be near impossible. Remus was used to pain, physical pain especially but he dealt with turmoil often - still, nothing compared to that night, he didn’t let himself cry about it though. He just let it hurt. He wasn’t sure if that was some sort of break up but it felt like it. It felt like he had lost everything and he wasn’t even sure where it went wrong or how, why. It just did. This empty feeling took over as he laid curled up on the couch under a blanket, eyes focusing on nothing as his vision blurred out between blinks. He didn’t sleep that night and he was glad he got home late enough that the morning was close by. 

***

October 31, 1981 - Saturday

Sirius didn’t come home. Remus didn’t move from the couch until he couldn’t possibly hold his bladder anymore but then he went right back to the couch, this time with a cup of tea and not laying down but he was still expecting at some point for Sirius to come back. He was sure James or Lily would if they could and he wasn’t sure Peter was doing very well so he wasn’t holding his breath. Could it be possible that Sirius was really that far out of love with him that he wouldn’t come home at all? Not until he was sure Remus was gone, things packed… He was usually logical, able to plan things with details to make sure nothing went wrong but this - he couldn’t make sense of it and he didn’t know what to do or where to go. 

It was hours later, the sun was setting and not a word from anyone but Albus stopped by. A mission, nothing major but a quick check in with the pack as some questions started to rise and Albus was certain there would be a breakthrough soon. It was two days and as much as Remus wanted to sit and wait for Sirius to come back, even if it was another fight, he needed answers. He needed to know why. But it would have to wait - he owed Albus for everything he had done for him. For an education, for keeping his secret, for letting him join the Order. So, he was gone and sent out into the pack to calm their uncertainties and play nice with other wolves that were anything but. 

At times he felt like maybe he should take this life up, with others like him. Maybe he could help be the bridge to wizards and werewolves getting along well enough that his own kind could have decent lives and a living. Not hiding in the woods and hunting like animals, it did soothe something in the wolf but that also made Remus sick to think about and he shut the wolf down time and time again to stay focused and on task. There were a few recently turned in this pack, they asked questions about what to expect and hearing the uncertainty from people older than him had him almost grateful that he had been dealing with this since he could remember - he knew what worked and what didn’t at this point and he knew that nothing, nothing helped the pain. A truth that eventually they just had to accept. 

***

November 2,1981 - Monday

It was early Monday morning, birds still chirping and the sun wasn’t even warm yet. He apperated to the local pub, a butterbeer in and he walked the rest of the way home. Sirius never left his mind, he had to be home by now but maybe he read the note and that was the last straw for him, maybe his Sirius things would be gone and moved out. The thoughts and uncertainty had him worrying what he would find when he opened the front door to their home - if it was even considered theirs now. Heartbreak was a sickening feeling, he remembered it well from fifth year but this felt different. It hurt more because Severus wasn’t the reason why - apparently Remus was and he couldn’t do anything about that. He knew one day the lycanthropy would get old and be too much but he truly thought they had more time. 

Sirius had definitely been here, it was a wreck, it didn’t look as if things were packed though it just looked as if he went mad. Books and papers thrown about, broken glass and spilled drink, the couch still had the same blanket on it and Remus couldn’t piece together this puzzle either. Eyebrows furrowed as he picked up one of the many pieces of paper and it was just something ripped from a book - he shook his head and let it swish back to the ground. Stepping over things carefully. Maybe he was still here, hidden in the mess. “Sirius?” He called out, concern written over every inch of his face. Then the thought of an attack, “Sirius!” He was running up the stairs, checking their bed, bathroom, every door and wall and running back down to check the closet and the kitchen. Looking for any sign of him, any sign of a spell or charm or hex… Blood even. His heart was racing as he pushed hands back through his hair, looking around the mess in the living room again before his eyes fell on the Daily Prophet that had been ripped up but the word ‘defeated’ was still in tact and Remus thought for a moment that maybe this was a celebration but his gut feeling wasn’t letting him enjoy that thought. 

He opened their front door again, glancing back to their living room and still just as confused. He went to step forward and thought that some of the mess must have caught wind and been pushed outside but it was a letter under his foot. He stepped to the side and picked it up, it was from Albus and he couldn't help but think now wasn’t the time but he brought the envelope back inside and sat on some torn shreds of paper on the couch before opening it up. 

Remus knew pain. He was acquainted with it from a young age and it was something that would follow him around all his life, he shook hands with it every month. He knew pain… But he never knew it like this. He couldn’t even be upset over the fact that Albus decided to send a letter of the events that took place while Remus was gone instead of being here in person. Didn’t he at least deserve that decency to be told in person that his three best friends were killed and that it was all because of Sirius… Didn’t he deserve to be told in person that he was in love with a traitor and a murderer - not that Albus knew they were lovers but he lives with Sirius. Did that not deserve a visit to see how he would handle this information. 

He didn’t believe it at first. Who would. No, he thought this must be some sick prank and he would right whoever thought this was funny. He read three times and the fourth time his eyes welled up and he couldn’t keep the tears at bay anymore but the shock was too much to let him really cry. It was a few stray tears when he blinked, the tightness in his stomach, chest and throat felt like he was under a curse. He couldn’t have lost everyone. There was no way he lost James, Lily and Peter… Deep down he didn’t want to believe that Sirius could do this, he didn’t want to believe that he would ever harm their family but there must have been enough proof and if he let himself sit and think on it - wasn’t there signs leading up to this. Things Remus ignored or didn’t address because Sirius was so explosive in the last few months. Could he have saved them if he would have just said something? He had to physically rub his palm over his chest to ease some of the pressure, he always thought the lycanthropy would be the end of him but right now he was sure this is what would kill him. 

He curled up on the couch, his body too heavy to move anywhere else and his mind trying to figure out where they went wrong, where Sirius went wrong and how he left Remus with no one as some sort of punishment since he wasn’t there to kill himself Remus figured. Or if Remus was there could he have stopped it? Would they have a different outcome… The letter mentioned Harry going to Lily’s sister and it didn’t help any of the overwhelming feelings crashing in around him. He heard plenty of stories, and while Lily always seemed ready to accept Petunia back in her life if the other was willing, it never happened and now it never would and yet somehow that's who Harry ended up with. It didn’t make sense, Remus thought for a moment of depending Harry be left with him but how would he go about full moons… or money for him for that matter, or a place to live, Remus wasn’t able to afford this flat and he didn’t want to live here with the memories already haunting him. He couldn’t give much of a life to Harry and maybe Lily’s sister would be able to. He hoped she was able to… Thoughts became too much as hours passed and Remus had to get up and stumble to the bathroom to heave into the toilet. He hadn’t eaten so it was just a dry pain in his chest and back and he felt he deserved it and so much worse for not being here to protect his family against his lover. Against Sirius. His body wouldn’t let him move from the spot so he sat on the cold bathroom floor and let the hours pass there. 

The shock was still high, like he would wake from this nightmare or he was under some sort of spell, maybe there werewolves caught on and he was captured and his mind was being tortured. This couldn’t be real though. He refused to believe everyone he loved was stripped from him in just 48 hours. The war was rough and they were losing but it wasn’t supposed to take everything, was it? Celebrations were happening in the wizarding world because the dark lord was defeated but did they know the cost? Did they care? So many lives were lost and Remus wished his was taken too because deep down - he knew this was all true. Sirius wasn’t here celebrating, James and Lily weren’t out in freedom, Peter wasn’t less anxious. No one was looking for Remus or checking in to see if he had heard the good news. It was anything but. He would give Voldemort power back if it meant he could have his friends back. He didn’t move from the bathroom that night, he eventually fell asleep in the cool tile with exhausting thoughts of what if. 

***

November 3,1981 - Tuesday

His stomach growled but he ignored it as he laid on the bathroom floor awake. Too numb to move and he knew no one was going to come by, no one was worried about him because no one knew him like James, Lily and Peter. Sirius' name hurt to think, it ached in the deepest parts of him. He would have to rip him from his soul letter by letter and that painful process was going to be slow but he deserved it, Remus deserved every ounce of pain that came his way for not being there. The stupid mission he was on didn’t bring them closer to winning or losing the war, the wolves were mostly on Voldemorts side anyways and he was questioning all the ways he could of gotten information on Sirius, or on their plans but it wasn’t like they were trusted by Voldemort that well - similar to how Albus trusted Remus… Always held on by a thread just to keep them close enough to answer a beck and call. 

Late noon approached and he got himself to his feet. He needed to know first hand what happened, not Albus words in a letter but with his own eyes. He squinted when he opened the front door, the sun warmed his skin but he didn’t get comfort, not after what happened. So, he quickly apperated to the first safe house. His back got sliced along the way and he groaned through gritted teeth at the pain, warm blood trickled down his back but he kept pushing through. Maybe if he was lucky he would bleed out. Moody was still there and the man's expression never seemed to change much but right now it was sullen, his eyebrows raised seeing Remus but he didn’t give him a chance to say anything. “Take me there. I - I need to see it. I need to know it’s.. This is real.” His voice shook at the last few words, each step was a pulse sent straight to his back but he welcomed feeling anything other than what was building inside him. Moody didn’t give him any question but wrapped an arm over Remus shoulders, which he had to slightly reach for and apperated them to Godric's Hollow. 

The stumble caused him to wince in pain but he stiffened up being on the outside of the house. Eyes scanned over it and the location in general. Moody stayed back and let Remus take his steps slowly and cautiously towards the front door. His heart was beating hard and quick in his chest, his breath was hard to catch and even out as the fear was felt washing over him because he knew - he knew this wasn’t a nightmare anymore. He opened the door, there wasn’t a body left but there was a damaged hutch, glass and wood splintered and broken - dried blood from where the body hit certain shards. He wasn’t even sure his heart was beating at this point. A few tears spilled as every step he took confirmed the letter he received. The stairs were a bit messy, debris must have flown over the railing. His steps were slow, he couldn’t move much faster even if he wanted too and he didn’t move at all once he got to Harry's room. The crib destroyed and enough of an outline from what must've fallen over Lily’s body was there, it wasn’t much but Remus could make out enough to know what happened was in fact real. 

He backed up, stumbled into the hallway wall and crumpled down to the ground. For some reason his head still seemed to be in shock, like it couldn’t comprehend losing everyone like this but his chest was caught up with the events that had taken place. Tears were falling, he wasn’t sobbing but a few breaths were caught in his throat as he sat there and stared at the mess of the baby's room. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but Moody called up for him and he was kind about it, or maybe just in his own kind of hurt where his voice didn’t sound like a crazed order. He managed to get to his feet, clinging to the railing as he made his way down the steps, he didn’t look back into the house and made his way outside where he fell to his knees once more on the sidewalk and broke. 

A scream left him, a sound he had never heard himself make but it came from every wounded part of him. It was pain and hurt, it was betrayal and exhaustion, it was guilt and anger. All of it came out in three deep, loud screams, gut wrenching screams. The last person he wanted around for this would be Moody but it came crashing down on him, every inch of him. Tears and sobs, heartbreak and anguish. Loss… So much loss. Everything he knew and loved was crushed and broken, everyone he loved was dead and the actual love of his life, the person he could truly be himself around, the one he trusted with every part of his heart and soul was the reason why. Nothing made sense, nothing felt real and he wished it wasn’t. He almost wished it was a full moon so he wouldn't have to think, he wouldn’t have to be for a few hours. His chest felt like it was being crushed by a boot every sob he took in, every time he caught his breath. He wanted it to stop, he wanted to suffocate on this feeling and not have to feel another thing again. 

He sat there on his knees for a while, the sobs died out into soft gasps to fill his lungs back up, he could taste blood from the screams he let out and any energy he had left was zapped out of his body. The tears stopped, his chest still felt like he wasn’t done mourning but no food or water for almost two days didn’t give him much left. He felt the arm over his shoulders and he didn’t fight it as they apperated again. Albus had no use for him now, the Order wasn’t needed anymore, people had celebrations to do and the wizarding world needed to clean up the remaining death eaters still floating about. Moody didn’t have much of a choice but to take Remus to his flat. He apologized for it, Remus was pretty sure that's the only sorry he would ever get from Moody but he didn’t say anything as he was set on the couch by Moody's help. He didn’t move for a few minutes but once he could he made his way outside, he couldn’t stand the sigh of the mess, or anything that reminded him of Sirius when he was a constant thought that broke him each time he let his mind stay on him for a second too long. His limbs felt heavy but he got himself backed up against the fence, his knees brought up and he pulled his cardigan around him a little more as he let his eyes close. Burning from the spent tears and the lack of sleep, he let his head rest back against one of the bars on the fence and took in a slow breath. Every hope and dream was gone, he had nowhere to go and not a lot to his name - he wasn’t going to take anything that belonged to Sirius to try and sell it in order to make it, he would figure it out on his own because he was in fact completely alone now. He didn’t have anyone he trusted or could talk to and he wasn’t going to ask for help - he wouldn’t in general but he still had his condition, he wouldn’t burden anyone else with that information. There was no healing coming his way for sometime, the world was still dark for Remus even if the war was over. Everything he put on hold because of that wouldn’t matter now. It was that night that he made the vow, the promise, to himself to never love again.


End file.
